isolationistic-isms

do you ever have moments when you know you need to just write... but you're afraid of the words that might come out? i've had a few of those moments lately. i went on Wednesday and hid... with a lot of other people in a bathroom at Starbucks while tornado sirens went off (not at all my intention or plans for that day). in the midst of all that hiding, i wrote. i ended up with eight handwritten pages, pouring out my thoughts and heart in a tangible way. i don't think i came up with any profound thoughts in those moments, anything earth shattering or revealing, except how sinful and corrupt i can be. writing is often cathartic, they say. this is often why i ramble on here. i do not honestly hold any high delusions that anybody ever reads this. it is probably more for my own benefit i write--with the hopes that perhaps a phrase will come across that will benefit someone else, in some strange way. yet honestly... writing the past few days has been anything BUT cathartic...

i find myself wanting to stay hidden. to go... away, and just exist. get rid of the phone, the computer... which, by default, gets rid of people... and that is the opposite of me. i'm a people person. i do not enjoy being alone for a long stretch of time without a good conversation. i make friends out of complete and total strangers, if necessary. most of the time, people energize me. yet i find myself in a state where i spend a lot of time... alone. i'm not a fan of that. i know it is an intentional time, and i do not begrudge it (most of the time). i have all this time to read, study, learn... go deep in my studies. i love that. isolation, though... not having anybody to share with the things i'm learning about... the lack of interacting with people who know me... becomes heavy. i've been fighting that for a few weeks. i lose motivation to keep going, quite easily, in those moments. i find it perplexing, how easily i end up discouraged over things like that. it can be hard sometimes. so what do i do? i go one of two ways. i either become very isolated from people and withdrawn to the point when i DO spend time with someone, i don't really talk... or i will start writing. i'm writing a lot lately. i don't know what to do with it. it is a different thing for me to do. i'm not sure i like it. but i do it. i may keep rambling in blog postings time to time, if you find yourself incredibly bored with nothing much to do. who knows. perhaps something pithy will come from this brain... (happens time to time)!

Free Logos software?! Yes, please...

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