What are you thinking??

I spend a lot of time thinking. Believe it or not, I spend more time thinking than I actually spend talking (that should give those of you who think I talk nonstop a very unique perspective…). I looked up a statistic the other day that said we think anywhere from 12,000-50,000 thoughts per DAY. That got me to thinking… again… what would a list of my thoughts in just one day look like? What am I thinking about throughout the day, to come anywhere near 12,000 thoughts… let alone 50,000? If my thoughts were put on display for all to read—would it be filled with mundane dreariness of day to day moments, such as a list of chores I need to accomplish or homework that needs to be finished? Or would it be filled with sarcastic commentary about my view of the world and its idiosyncrasies? Even more importantly… do my thoughts contain more praise to God, or grumbling and complaining about life’s circumstances?

Would I be ashamed of my thoughts, from just one day? Would I be able to read through this list without a profound sense of sorrow and shame for what is listed there? Do I spend more time dwelling upon the things of the earth, or on things above? (Col. 3:2)

Would I proudly stand behind my thoughts as the list were read aloud for the masses to hear? Or would I be ashamed to admit that yes, that’s me on display up there… revealing the darkest parts of my heart for the world to see. Would I admit at that moment, though, that those darkest moments are but just a glimpse of what I know is deep within the recesses? Why not? Perhaps because I do not myself even know all the darkness of my own heart. Mercifully, God doesn’t throw all THAT baggage in my face at one time. I wouldn’t be able to bear it. God is merciful, God is just, and if He were to give me the just penalty for even my thoughts… which is but a glimpse of the evil within me… the condemnation would be fair. But God… (if you want read some of the “but God” statements that I think upon in these moments, check these out: Psalm 75:7; Luke 16:15; Romans 5:8; 1 Cor. 1:27; Ephesians 2:4-10).

It amazes me how much of the Christian life is a battle for the mind—for our thoughts. We are called to set our minds on things above (Col. 3:2), to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom. 12:2; Eph. 4:23), love God with all of our mind (Matthew 22: 37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27), because the mind set on the things of this world—on the flesh, as it were—is death (Mark 8:33; Romans 8:6, 7; Ephesians 2:3… to name a few...). Wouldn’t you think this is a convincing enough argument to guard my thoughts? It’s inside of me, though—you can’t see it. How does this justify thinking upon ANYTHING that does not glorify God, though? Just because I can’t be found out, won’t be “caught” for thinking about something that does less than honor who God is… somehow, that makes this okay? Pray tell, in what way is this okay? I like Daniel, in the Old Testament. “But Daniel made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the king's choice food or with the wine which he drank; so he sought permission from the commander of the officials that he might not defile himself.” (Dan. 1:8, NASB). That’s telling, if you ask me. He made a course of action, and stuck to it. How often do I do this? Can I truly pray with the Psalmist, Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way. Psalm 139:23-24 (NASB)?? A friend of mine made this comment in her blog: “…the point of asking (for God to search me, know my thoughts) is the willingness of the sinner to be laid bare before God. It reflects a heart of humble submission before a Holy God.” (if you want to read her whole blog post, look up March 22^nd’s post: bc4women.blogspot.com). When I first started to think about this, it sent a cold chill straight down my spine… Am I willing to pray that, and really mean it? Honestly, there isn’t a thought in my mind that God is unaware of—He searches my heart, something I’m not even willing to do! (Jer. 17:10)

I pray a lot for a changed heart in myself—for my thoughts to be consumed with God’s thoughts, with His word. If my thoughts are of His word, of His truth… how different it be, were my 50,000 thoughts a day read aloud to the masses…

Oswald Chambers, in My Utmost for His Highest, says this in his March 23^nd devotional:

If the Spirit of God detects anything in you that is wrong, He doesn’t ask you to make it right; He only asks you to accept the light of truth, and then He will make it right. A child of the light will confess sin instantly and stand completely open before God. But a child of the darkness will say, “Oh, I can explain that.” When the light shines and the Spirit brings conviction of sin, be a child of the light. Confess your wrongdoing, and God will deal with it. If, however, you try to vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness.

What is the proof that carnality has gone? Never deceive yourself; when carnality is gone you will know it—it is the most real thing you can imagine. And God will see to it that you have a number of opportunities to prove to yourself the miracle of His grace. The proof is in a very practical test. You will find yourself saying, “If this had happened before, I would have had the spirit of resentment!” And you will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside.

So… what are you thinking about?

writing, thoughts and multiple sclerosis

I've been writing all day (so it seems). I'm working on this speech for RAMS (Rockin' Against Multiple Sclerosis) that is on Monday night, February 7th. Sometimes, while writing this, I have much to say; at other times, I have little to say. It is so easy to talk about the struggles associated with MS, because there are many... yet what I have to constantly remind myself, though, is the hope I have in Christ, especially where this disease is concerned. It is so easy to give MS the upper hand, to allow it to rule and dictate life, be the influencing factor in decisions that are made; it is easy to be a passive participant in life, thanks to the unpredictability associated with MS. I have always hated how MS tries to take over my life. It is easy to live for the next MS event instead of living all of life for the glory of God. This desire, on my end... to live all of my life for God's glory... makes this speech a little more difficult to write. I want to be honest with these people about what life is really like for me with MS--and in doing so, that means I am honest about how God works in my life through this disease. It is hard to tell someone who has a bad day that it may be purposeful and intentional, the suffering they are going through... and trying to explain that to someone who deals with the pain and suffering of a disease like multiple sclerosis on a DAILY basis can be even harder. Not just anybody has the credibility to walk up to someone dealing with something like this and attempt to explain how it may be purposeful... not even I would walk up to someone and tell them what they are going through may be intentionally placed by the hand of God in their lives. It isn't a casual conversation you have with someone on the street!! Yet... I can explain how God works in MY life, and how every bit of this disease, how it affects me, every single pain I have, every second of blurred vision, every stumbled step I take, is filtered through the hands of Almighty God. I do not fear about the course of this disease, because nothing will happen to me apart from the Lord. Everything that happens to me is for my good... and for His glory. that took a while for me to understand... and when I'm in the middle of those moments, it is a constant battle to remind myself of this truth. Constant. I know that I have an opportunity to speak into people's lives, having this disease... a unique opportunity many others do not. The hard part for me right now, though, is that I am not speaking to a group of people who have MS. I'm speaking to a group of people who are there because it is a philanthropy, they get credit for attending for their fraternity or sorority. How do you speak to a group about living with something they cannot relate to at all? What it comes down to, for me... is finding something they can ALL relate to in any given moment. This... is a challenge, to write this. Prayerfully it will make sense!! At this moment, I can't guarantee this POST makes sense, though...

Biblical Counseling for Women: The Sin of Perfectionism

Biblical Counseling for Women: The Sin of Perfectionism: "If you are a perfectionist, you already know that you hate being a 'beginner' at anything. A new game or a new job or social situation is ..."

thoughts of my time in Málaga

So, I am not a consistent blog writer. As a matter of fact, I suck at blogging. Back when I first started to blog... when I had a Xanga account and Facebook was non-existent... well, I wrote more. That was my outlet. Now, Facebook has taken over all forms of lengthy communication and thoughts and replaced it with short quips and random, nonsensical-isms. It is very easy to become a part of a world where you don't think deeply about things, a world where you don't take the time to sit and communicate... as a matter of fact, you don't know how to even communicate anymore, without a computer screen in front of you. A lot of people aren't even sure how to laugh apart from acronyms such as LOL and ROTFL (wow, those acronyms can get so long, too...). So we're a society of statistics. The question is... of what statistic do you want to be a part? I'm still counting my statistics and playing my coins... but blogging may just be one of them. I hope.

I've been in Málaga, Spain for a month, more or less. I've had more emotions here than I knew possible to have in one day, from anger, despair, frustration, panic, worry, you name it... to peace that surpasses all understanding, joy, laughter... in general... a harmony of grace that amazes even me. I have been trying to figure out how to summarize this experience concisely, and I'm not sure concise is even possible. A few lessons have stood out: I've learned more and more about patience, relying upon the Lord, and grace; I've learned how very vital it is to communicate clearly; I've learned how precious it is to have people standing behind you in prayer as you face days that feeeeeeeel overwhelmingly impossible. I have seen God completely revolutionize my thinking in several areas, test me in ways that I never would (or could) have imagined... overall, completely blessed me in ways that I never anticipated. A lot of the lessons I've learned here, I wouldn't have learned in the States. I HAD to be outside of my comfort zone; I had to be somewhere where the only one I could rely upon was the Lord. I have learned when things are rough--I turn to people over turning to God. A lot of people do this, instinctively... we want to HEAR reassurance, correction, guidance... we sit and pray about it, looking at the sky waiting for an airplane to appear and write directions. It doesn't work this way. God will do whatever it takes to get your attention--for me, that included dropping me off in another country where I struggle with the language and culture without another to rely upon for help. In the midst of all of that, God was not far... when I hit my personal breaking point, when I wasn't sure how to go on one more day, God provided the strength to go on... and when I hit that wall again, more strength and encouragement came my way. By the end of the second week I broke--I didn't know HOW to go about the next day, even, and just fell flat on my face. If the Lord didn't intervene at that point, I was toast. That night I was put in contact with another American missionary who helped change the entire tone of this trip for me. When I was truly at the end of my rope, God made a way of escape for me. I saw 1 Cor. 10:13 come to life, again: "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." And yes, the context of this verse is idolatry. So how does it apply in THIS situation? What amazed me the MOST those first two weeks revolved around how many little idols I had creeping around in my heart and life. Fear, even, can become an idol, take on its own life. It can dominate your thoughts, life, everything, to where all you can think about is the fear--and completely lose sight of God. I was reading about the life and ministry of Paul, and this verse jumped out at me-- 1Cr 2:3 NASB - I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling,-- PAUL WAS FEARFUL?! That made me stop in my path. If Paul was fearful, then why was I surprised at how fearful I felt? The difference, though, was Paul's response to the fear... read the entire passage:

1Cr 2:1-5 NASB - And when I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God.

Paul never let his fear stop him from being about God's work. I allowed fear to paralyze me, for a while. Paul's faith never ceases to amaze me... and he certainly did not walk an easy road. It was quite lonely. But he was never alone. His speech was a demonstration of the Spirit of God and His power. That has been one of my greatest comforts... even when I am the most alone, I am never truly alone... and if I am speaking words of Life, the word of God, into another's life... I am to trust His word will not return void, and rest in the power of God to make His word effective in their lives. To simply be in a position to speak into another's life, even if to simply plant a seed pointing them to Jesus, is an honor I do not ever want to take for granted. Evangelism is not a burden... it is a privilege. How easy we forget this.

These past two weeks have been lessons of a different kind, for me. Instead of isolated, by myself, apart from English speakers and familiar culture, I have been staying with another American. She speaks my language; her home has all the creature comforts of American culture, including a TV with movies, in ENGLISH... it has been a wonderful time for me, to fellowship, enjoy the country, but have a place to retreat away from the stresses of another culture. It has helped me to see what daily living as a missionary in a foreign field is truly like. The absolute necessity of self motivation and innovation has left its impression on me. You don't have a boss here, telling you what to do, when to do it, how to go about it... you have to be driven to do it without another urging you along. You must have your focus about you-- know what you are here to do, and do it. I have had two tasks before me during this trip--teach an English class three days a week and input a lot of information into a database for the community center. One aspect involves interacting with people--one does not. When I look at these two sides of ministry I have had the opportunity to be a part of, I see the most impact in the data entry over teaching. In teaching, I have the chance to interact with people, but very little (if any) spiritual conversation happens. As a matter of fact, in the center, there isn't spiritual conversation. That ministry is purely to build bridges and relationships with people with the hopes of speaking into their lives outside the center. I haven't had one conversation that even mentions the name of Jesus. Has this been a waste of time? Not at all!! It is not what we picture ministry to be, in the States... in our evangelism classes at seminaries and bible colleges, it was an 'unsuccessful' contact if you did not present the gospel and lead them in a prayer to receive Jesus as their Lord and Savior. We lose the concept of building bridges, relationships. I will not be here in five days to have a conversation with someone, if the Lord gives the opportunity--others will be. Prayerfully, by my contribution in teaching a class to a bunch of kids and a few adults, another bridge was built. That, in my opinion, is a success. The data entry, however--I am able to contribute in a way that is meaningful to the workers at the center. I am able to take a project off their hands and get it going, when they do not have the time to do so. It blesses me, to be able to bless them. For this... I am exceedingly thankful.

A few weeks ago, the thought of returning here for ANY reason in ministry was ludicrous. There was NO WAY I would willingly step back into this situation willingly, for long term. Seeing things change, though, the past two weeks--has given me time to reevaluate. I don't know what the future holds... I can't say that I know for sure there is a ministry here I would want to be a part of, even. But I also cannot say that I would not come back, if the Lord leads. My life is not my own; I am a vessel in His hands to do what He wants to do with me. That may not be overseas, it may be right in Kansas City, even. But, to be a vessel, to be used... that... is an honor I can't even put into words. God will do what He wants with what is His... and I am thankful to proclaim KNOW that I am HIS, and He can do whatever He wants with me... may that be shuffling papers in an office, serving in missions, singing with the worship team at church, scrubbing toilets or anything else you can think of... none of it is for my glory. For HIS glory, and that alone... Soli Deo Gloria!

Suffering Biblically: For His glory...

**reposted from my blog on http://mleduffey.weebly.com, 10/16/2010**

Today I attended a F.O.C.I.S. seminar (Find Out Christ Is Sufficient) on "Suffering Biblically." While a LOT of excellent material was presented, a particular part of it jumped out at me. The speaker was going over the purpose of suffering, and how it identifies us with Christ. She brought up how Paul and the other apostles suffered for righteousness sake in the desire to spread the message of Jesus Christ. As I turned the page in the notebook of material we were given, statistics from Voice of the Martyrs were presented. To quote from the notebook, "People of faith all over the world suffer today because of their love for Jesus Christ, risking their own lives for the promotion of the gospel." A list of 48 countries followed, representing the countries where Christians suffer for Christ. The 11th country listed was Morocco--the country closest to Spain in North Africa (connected by the Straight of Gibraltar) and the country that the ministry in Malaga directly ministers. Lord willing, I will go into Morocco for a day and see this country for myself. The thought of stepping foot into this country as a visitor, a tourist, free to enter and exit with the privilege of American citizenship, amazes me. The reality that my faith, the very reason why I am going to go on this trip, is enough of a reason for the government of this country to deny my admittance in or make my departure from it occur rather hastily, astonishes me. The fact that those who live in Morocco and convert from Islam to Christianity are persecuted severely for following the same Savior I do leaves me shocked and humbled beyond belief. They are abandoned by friends and family, beaten, mocked, and even their lives taken for calling Jesus Christ the Lord, the only God to be adored. Their conversion is not like how conversion is presented in America. Here, we are told of the good news--and we look around at all we have, the wealth, the resources--and the news doesn't seem that great, really. We have time--live life now, come to Christ later, after we've had our fun. We are called upon to forsake little. Our family may think we've lost it, but generally do not care about what religious decisions we make. Sometimes Christians here are called nuts, crazy, or pathetic for their beliefs--but for an American to be killed by another American for being a Christian outrages the country. In Morocco, it is praiseworthy to rid the country of another Christian.

When I was in college at MU the pastor of the church I attended penned another verse to a popular song, "Sanctuary." To the best of my memory, I will include it here (admitting the failings of my memory over the past several years!):
Lord prepare me
to be a missionary
always ready
to do Your will
by Your biding
I'll be a living
missionary
for You

This same pastor also explained how he once went on a missions trip to a country where he had to sign a waiver releasing the United States government from responsibility to come and rescue him were he taken captive while in this country. He literally signed the rights to his citizenship away to go spread the gospel in this country. Would I be as eager to go into Morocco if I were required to sign a form absolving the American government of coming to my rescue if I get into trouble while in Morocco? Would I be willing to risk this life God has given me and willingly walk into a country whose very government is hostile to the very faith I believe in? Am I willing to suffer for the cause of Christ in this way? The reality of me suffering for the cause of Christ as a visitor for a day in Morocco is pretty slim to non-existent, to be honest. But for those who live in this country every day--for those who cross the borders bringing the good news of Jesus Christ to the very people who desire to kill Christians--is a daily reality. It is not a story in a book; it is not past, archaic history. It is today; it is living, breathing, evil. It is real. Pray for the church in Morocco, in Northern Africa--pray for the persecuted church worldwide. Today you can walk out the door and praise Jesus, going about your day singing His praises--this may not always be true. Enjoy the freedom you now possess--and pray for those who dare not utter the name of Jesus aloud but praise them in their hearts.

1 Peter 3:14
But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. And do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled.

1 Peter 5:6-10
Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer ,or a troublesome meddler; but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name.

Luke 6:22
Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven.

Ron's Service

My Uncle Ron passed away on the 14th--his funeral was Monday. As we arrived at the church where the funeral services were to be held, we were all getting a little bit testy--I was called a few choice names about three times before the hour drive was over, for example. Ouch. I think we were all a little more stressed over what was coming than any of us dare share.

I walked into the church and immediately ran into my cousin, Mike--Ron's son. We haven't seen each other in a while. He immediately pulled a picture out of his pocket and handed it to me... I took one look at it and began to bawl like a baby. Ron was very special to me--he played a very important role in my life. Between Ron and my Uncle Darrell I had a father growing up. These two men made my life livable as a child. They provided for me, cared for me, helped my mom out with me in the areas my dad simply was not there. I will miss him greatly.

My family has a myriad of opinions when it comes to God and religion. I've always been pretty alone and isolated in the evangelical Christian camp--my family starts to foam at the mouth and all but scream when the words "southern baptist" are uttered. (slight exaggeration, but the gist is there... they are not a fan).

The funeral was at a non-denominational Bible church. I didn't have high hopes for anything great from the funeral insofar as the gospel being proclaimed or anything to that nature. I was incredibly WRONG. They started out with a guy singing, "Mighty to Save" which I sang right along with him (more like whispered along with him… my voice isn't so strong right now!). Two people stood up and gave very eloquent and sweet memories of my uncle--a former coworker and the wife of the man who introduced my uncle to Carol, my aunt. The preacher stood back up at the end and read a note from Carol to Ron, and then one from Mike to Ron. It was from Mike's message the sermon was based. In this sermon it started to sound like the typical promise of the recently departed being in the presence of Jesus without any proof to support it. Then, to my utter shock, the proof was given--the man actually confirmed my uncle had placed his faith in Jesus Christ, and based upon that profession of faith, was in the presence of God, in heaven. My tears changed at that point--from grief to shock, and as the preacher continued to speak, to absolute relief and praise. Could it really be true? Could my uncle truly be a believer in the same Lord and Savior I worship? The gospel was explained, clearly, to all who were listening. There was everything minus an altar call.

After the service the church had prepared a lunch for the family and close friends. It was nice to sit and catch up with everyone. I've missed these people. After everything was over and done a few of us went out to Mike and Lynette's house. Lynette had this sheet hanging on her fridge--I don't remember it clearly, but the name "Beth Moore" stood out loud and clear. I was reading through it when Mike walked by me--I pointed at the sheet and nonchalantly said, "Mike, I think we may have something in common here." He looked at the sheet, looked at me, and said, "Really?" I've not seen him grin like that in a long time. We stood there and talked, and it was made very clear that both Mike and Lynette have a saving relationship with Jesus Christ. Mike confirmed what I already suspected (yet it still put me in tears to hear it again): Ron had a relationship with Christ. At one point Mike asked him, "Dad, who's your Savior?" to which Ron solidly replied, "Jesus Christ!". It was hard to not openly bawl AGAIN over hearing this news.

At the end of the service we sang a song that is most precious to me: Amazing Grace. It took on a new flavor of sweetness as we sang it this time:
Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound<
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now am found
Was blind, but now, I see...

scats-iated...

I have had a lot of time to think lately... losing your voice gives you nothing but time to think when you can't talk!! I've been thinking a lot in general as of late. I do think that too much thinking can be hazardous to your health... as one blog writer put it, it can lead to morbidity. I have pondered upon that phrase... wondering why self-introspection and reflection can lead to such a state, so easily, and so often. I've been challenged a lot lately, not about thinking too much (in fact, encouraged to think more, even!), but rather about how I think. I never realized how much I think about myself, what I want, what I think, how things will impact me, what it has to do with me... me me me me me.... yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk!! how self-centered!!! I'm thankful for the second (and sometimes third, and fourth, and fifth, and... yeah, you get the picture) chances to make things better and align my life with God's standards. Well, at least try... this side of heaven, I'm pretty sure I'll consistently fail, but at least that means I always have a goal toward which to aspire! Yet, I still have this huge mountain to climb... at least I'm not climbing all on my own...

Rom 8:31 NASB - What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?