isolationistic-isms

do you ever have moments when you know you need to just write... but you're afraid of the words that might come out? i've had a few of those moments lately. i went on Wednesday and hid... with a lot of other people in a bathroom at Starbucks while tornado sirens went off (not at all my intention or plans for that day). in the midst of all that hiding, i wrote. i ended up with eight handwritten pages, pouring out my thoughts and heart in a tangible way. i don't think i came up with any profound thoughts in those moments, anything earth shattering or revealing, except how sinful and corrupt i can be. writing is often cathartic, they say. this is often why i ramble on here. i do not honestly hold any high delusions that anybody ever reads this. it is probably more for my own benefit i write--with the hopes that perhaps a phrase will come across that will benefit someone else, in some strange way. yet honestly... writing the past few days has been anything BUT cathartic...

i find myself wanting to stay hidden. to go... away, and just exist. get rid of the phone, the computer... which, by default, gets rid of people... and that is the opposite of me. i'm a people person. i do not enjoy being alone for a long stretch of time without a good conversation. i make friends out of complete and total strangers, if necessary. most of the time, people energize me. yet i find myself in a state where i spend a lot of time... alone. i'm not a fan of that. i know it is an intentional time, and i do not begrudge it (most of the time). i have all this time to read, study, learn... go deep in my studies. i love that. isolation, though... not having anybody to share with the things i'm learning about... the lack of interacting with people who know me... becomes heavy. i've been fighting that for a few weeks. i lose motivation to keep going, quite easily, in those moments. i find it perplexing, how easily i end up discouraged over things like that. it can be hard sometimes. so what do i do? i go one of two ways. i either become very isolated from people and withdrawn to the point when i DO spend time with someone, i don't really talk... or i will start writing. i'm writing a lot lately. i don't know what to do with it. it is a different thing for me to do. i'm not sure i like it. but i do it. i may keep rambling in blog postings time to time, if you find yourself incredibly bored with nothing much to do. who knows. perhaps something pithy will come from this brain... (happens time to time)!

What are you thinking??

I spend a lot of time thinking. Believe it or not, I spend more time thinking than I actually spend talking (that should give those of you who think I talk nonstop a very unique perspective…). I looked up a statistic the other day that said we think anywhere from 12,000-50,000 thoughts per DAY. That got me to thinking… again… what would a list of my thoughts in just one day look like? What am I thinking about throughout the day, to come anywhere near 12,000 thoughts… let alone 50,000? If my thoughts were put on display for all to read—would it be filled with mundane dreariness of day to day moments, such as a list of chores I need to accomplish or homework that needs to be finished? Or would it be filled with sarcastic commentary about my view of the world and its idiosyncrasies? Even more importantly… do my thoughts contain more praise to God, or grumbling and complaining about life’s circumstances?

Would I be ashamed of my thoughts, from just one day? Would I be able to read through this list without a profound sense of sorrow and shame for what is listed there? Do I spend more time dwelling upon the things of the earth, or on things above? (Col. 3:2)

Would I proudly stand behind my thoughts as the list were read aloud for the masses to hear? Or would I be ashamed to admit that yes, that’s me on display up there… revealing the darkest parts of my heart for the world to see. Would I admit at that moment, though, that those darkest moments are but just a glimpse of what I know is deep within the recesses? Why not? Perhaps because I do not myself even know all the darkness of my own heart. Mercifully, God doesn’t throw all THAT baggage in my face at one time. I wouldn’t be able to bear it. God is merciful, God is just, and if He were to give me the just penalty for even my thoughts… which is but a glimpse of the evil within me… the condemnation would be fair. But God… (if you want read some of the “but God” statements that I think upon in these moments, check these out: Psalm 75:7; Luke 16:15; Romans 5:8; 1 Cor. 1:27; Ephesians 2:4-10).

It amazes me how much of the Christian life is a battle for the mind—for our thoughts. We are called to set our minds on things above (Col. 3:2), to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom. 12:2; Eph. 4:23), love God with all of our mind (Matthew 22: 37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27), because the mind set on the things of this world—on the flesh, as it were—is death (Mark 8:33; Romans 8:6, 7; Ephesians 2:3… to name a few...). Wouldn’t you think this is a convincing enough argument to guard my thoughts? It’s inside of me, though—you can’t see it. How does this justify thinking upon ANYTHING that does not glorify God, though? Just because I can’t be found out, won’t be “caught” for thinking about something that does less than honor who God is… somehow, that makes this okay? Pray tell, in what way is this okay? I like Daniel, in the Old Testament. “But Daniel made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the king's choice food or with the wine which he drank; so he sought permission from the commander of the officials that he might not defile himself.” (Dan. 1:8, NASB). That’s telling, if you ask me. He made a course of action, and stuck to it. How often do I do this? Can I truly pray with the Psalmist, Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way. Psalm 139:23-24 (NASB)?? A friend of mine made this comment in her blog: “…the point of asking (for God to search me, know my thoughts) is the willingness of the sinner to be laid bare before God. It reflects a heart of humble submission before a Holy God.” (if you want to read her whole blog post, look up March 22^nd’s post: bc4women.blogspot.com). When I first started to think about this, it sent a cold chill straight down my spine… Am I willing to pray that, and really mean it? Honestly, there isn’t a thought in my mind that God is unaware of—He searches my heart, something I’m not even willing to do! (Jer. 17:10)

I pray a lot for a changed heart in myself—for my thoughts to be consumed with God’s thoughts, with His word. If my thoughts are of His word, of His truth… how different it be, were my 50,000 thoughts a day read aloud to the masses…

Oswald Chambers, in My Utmost for His Highest, says this in his March 23^nd devotional:

If the Spirit of God detects anything in you that is wrong, He doesn’t ask you to make it right; He only asks you to accept the light of truth, and then He will make it right. A child of the light will confess sin instantly and stand completely open before God. But a child of the darkness will say, “Oh, I can explain that.” When the light shines and the Spirit brings conviction of sin, be a child of the light. Confess your wrongdoing, and God will deal with it. If, however, you try to vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness.

What is the proof that carnality has gone? Never deceive yourself; when carnality is gone you will know it—it is the most real thing you can imagine. And God will see to it that you have a number of opportunities to prove to yourself the miracle of His grace. The proof is in a very practical test. You will find yourself saying, “If this had happened before, I would have had the spirit of resentment!” And you will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside.

So… what are you thinking about?